Like a child I rush ahead to my goal

Like a child I demand my desires and stomp my feet to opposition. 

Like a child I cry when I don’t get what I need. 

Like a child I claim everything to be mine

Like a child I eat whenever I see food

Like a child I hide when I have a secret untold. 

Like a child I run when I get scared

Like a child I perform for smiles

Like a child I mimic anything I see

Like a child I fight when I get hurt

But some of that’s just childish

I need to put those childish things away

I still need to be a child unto Him though…

But wait. I’m an adult. Am I …allowed to even be a child?

What do children do?

They scream and play. I’m not interested in that, I’d be too loud.

Okay what about…

They cry?

I don’t wanna bother anyone. Crying is so exhausting too.

Children…

They say whatever is on their mind! They ask questions!

But that’s rude and … I don’t want to hear that I had a stupid question…

Children get to giggle and sing and enjoy big long hugs…

Is it really ok?

To speak my mind?

To be carefree and silly?

Is it really ok?

For me?

Often I’ve had to be the adult. I had to get over it. I had to suck it up and move on. Because that’s life, I was told.

And life didn’t sound too great if that was what life was.

Abba picked me up and told me that things will be ok

Instead, my eyes gazed elsewhere.
My heart was too busy licking its own wounds to be transformed. 

Today, Abba said “guess what?”

And I had no response for Him

It was tiring guessing.

Guessing and being wrong… tired me out. 

But He didn’t force me to guess.

He didn’t chastise me for ruining the “fun”.

He merely pointed and showed me something amazing.

It wasn’t just the sight– He didn’t say “just look and that’ll be enough”

No, He stretched His arm, ready to escort me.

And sometimes, trying to be big

Trying to be grown

I let go

…

Which way was it again? 

I think in this general direction.

No that can’t be right.

…

I try to look towards that place He showed me. I can’t really see it

And it’s so far…

As I trip and stumble over myself, He catches me.

And holding onto Him, I find balance once again.

He exposed my heart in order to heal it. In order to show me what grace, mercy, and compassion truly are.

…

He didn’t get mad at my feelings…

He didn’t chastise me as ungrateful

I couldn’t stay where I was

But I wasn’t yelled at for being there.

. . .

“Stop trying and just be” is what He said to me

I asked Him: How can I be like a child unto You?

Abba said to me:

“You laugh

You cry

You talk

You sigh

In all things, you pause for a response

And look up for your help.

You get carried. And sometimes you walk by yourself. Sometimes you need a hand to keep you stable. Other times you need eyes that see ahead of you.

You get fed. And even if you can feed yourself, someone provided that food for you.

You ask for what you want. And if you don’t like the response, that’s okay too.

But even if you try to run or hide, I see you.”

He sees you hiding in those shadows.

He sees you climbing beyond those hills

He sees you sighing in tune and in melody

He sees you crying through the deserts

And He sees you laughing in days coming soon.

You weren’t destroyed.

You weren’t irrevocably damaged.

Even if all that you have 

And all that you are were reduced down to just ashes

He’d take those ashes and give you beauty in return

But will you let Him do that for you?

Or will you continue to fend for yourself?

Because… when you’re tired of that, just let Him know.

He’ll take care of the rest